Epilogue

And on the third day he rose again, despite
the sandaled stumble over apocalypse snow,
despite the shotgun jamming, despite promises
made by older friends who got too close for their
own good. There are some men who can’t be
kept down, some zombies who come twice.
They had seen him walking when the streets were
covered with water. They had seen him wander
through the desert to gather supplies. Watched
the lance pierce his side when there was no
ammo left for the fallen. It was prophesized
that he would come again when the sun rose
in the West. Don’t expect him to save you.

14/30- Everybody gets one

said Spiderman, as
he threw out his tanka web
so I'd keep working
on my final projects and
not be eaten by zombies.

13/30- Ghazal

I will jump from the bushes, sneak up behind you, and eat your brain.
I will slide down the chimney, leave you no presents, and eat your brain.

You will not see me marching in army unison on the streets.
You won’t see me coming. I’ll jump from the shadows, deplete your brain.

I will get lessons from zombie Martha Stewart on how to bake,
Cover it in batter, and heat on 350—how sweet, your brain.

I will swallow it on Valentine’s Day until it enters my
Hardened stomach. This is how I love. It makes me complete, your brain.

I will not make a reference to myself while I am eating it.
The undead are not people anymore. I cannot meet your brain.

I must, instead, remain anonymous, and creep behind you with
A prowler’s hands. I make love to the shadows when I eat your brain.

12/30- Double Aurora Haiku

Hava Nagila Zombies

Hide the menorah;
No time left to celebrate.
The fridge is empty,

Stomachs are burning
With hunger, and the zombies
Chant Psalms as they march

Towards your Exodus.
This unleavened bread will not
Last forty days and

Nights in this desert.
Despite lack of blood and oil,
The gears of their hands

Long for the wreckage
Of your throat. Only you can
Satiate them—their

Rapture won’t be stopped.
Do not pray for anything
Like a miracle.

Hide the menorah.
This unleavened bread will not
Satiate them, their

Stomachs are burning
Despite lack of blood and oil
Like a miracle.

11/30- Mirror Cinquain

Undead
Soldiers march from
Arlington with ammo
In their lungs and dog tags hanging
From eye

Sockets,
Menace in their boots as if they
Could stomp the lifeless out
Of their stories
And breathe.

10/30- How I Eat Brains Chōka

I always start with
The temporal lobe. Zombies
Don’t have smell or taste
Receptors of their own, and
Brains are delicious…
Especially the human
Kind. Next, I move to
The occipital lobe, so
That the sound of your
Screams will be accompanied
By expressions of
Fear, a foreign emotion
That will make me chew
Your frontal lobe to find some
Sort of meaning for
It. I always end with the
Parietal lobe.
I like to feel your tissues
As they slide down my
Esophagus like scrabled
Eggs. I like to feel you die.

9/30- Day Four: Melissa becomes a Zombie

PROMPT: You find a loved one turned. React.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The zombies had just taken
Over the national power grid. My
Parents were away on an extravagant
Vegas vacation, and I couldn't contact
Them. Happy Birthday, Mom.

Yet, the show must go on.
Poets stop for no one, zombie
Apocalypse or not. I figured I was
Safer out of the state anyway. Luckily,
Kevin Spak's completely clueless girlfriend
Had bought him a generator for Christmas,
So the Cantab was prepared. There
Was no way I was going to miss this;
Ragan Fox had finally gotten a feature,
And I needed to see the look on
Adam Stone's face.

The mood of the room was solemn,
And not just because of the zombies.
Today marked the first anniversary
Of the Beaubien helicopter crash of
2011. Oz got on stage to read
Her eulogy, and the whole room
Collapsed into tears because Oz has a
Habit of doing that. Almost everyone
Ordered some form of alcohol beverage afterward,
Then raised their glasses to toast
Simone. Suddenly, two thirds of the room
Fainted simultaneously.

Melissa Newman-Evans stepped up
To the microphone. "BRAAAAAINS!!!"
She shouted. Of course Melissa
Was a zombie; how had I not
Noticed this? I guess the whole
Room had pre-gamed so much before they
Came that it seemed normal when
Melissa was moaning and drooling. It
Would also explain the 19-bike pileup
Outside the Cantab. Melissa took a
Bite into Oz's arm.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!" yelled Ed,
Hacking at Melissa with a butterfly
Knife. It had no effect. "Leef this
To me. I fink I'm better equiffed,"
Said Estin, clutching his car keys
Between bites of his taco. "How are
You gonna get the car into the basement?"
I asked. "Oh right. Duh." He gouged Oz's
Zombie eyes out with his car keys,
Then jumped off stage.

Adam finally ran onto stage, wielding
The crowbar he grabbed from under the
Bar. "I'll take these two out.
Whoever's left in the room needs to
Get the survivors out of here." Which
Was a task easier said than done. Melissa
Had slipped sedatives into the
Drinks, and the only people who hadn't
Succumb were me, Adam, Estin, Ed, Dan, Derek,
Michael Quigg, and Colton, who was
Back from New York for the holidays.

"How are we gonna get all these people
Out of here?" said Derek. "Simone used
To have an emergency helicopter for situations
Like these, but, well, you know." There
Were almost 40 bodies littered across the floor.
And even when we strapped some of them
To the roofs of our cars, there
Was only room to save about 15, and
Adam couldn't hold the two of them
Off for much longer. We had to leave
A lot of good friends behind.

In a last minute rescue attempt,
I folded Brian Ellis into my library
Bag. Then, cars overloaded, the
Seven of us sped away from the Cantab
To search for a safe haven.

8/30- Chauvinist Limerick

There once was a zombie named Mitch
Whose girlfriend was kind of a bitch.
Her nags caused him pain
So he swallowed her brain
And left her to rot in a ditch.

7/30- Wonderland Limerick

There once was a zombie named Alice
Who ate all her brains from a chalice.
She was called rather mean
When she killed the White Queen
And chomped off the Mad Hatter's phallus.

6/30 On the TV- Day 2

Monday, December 24, 2012

"Breaking news: Pop sensation Miley Cyrus is dead."
Click.
"Thousands of 12-year-olds found missing
After a Hannah Montana concert
Goes terribly wrong..."
Click.
"A certain early 20th century animator
And entrepreneur has just risen from the
Dead and recruited an army of zombie
Children to take over the world.
Find out who after a new episode
Of House!"
Click.
"Welcome back to QVC! Our next
Item for sale is a zombie repelling
Pendant! As you can see, the necklace
Is lined with solid 24-karat gold, and
There is an authentic piece of black
Tourmaline from Queen Victoria's royal
Quarry hanging from the bottom. This
Fabulous piece can be yours for just
$179.99! (plus shipping & handling). Call
Within the next hour and receive a
Free AK-47!"
Click.
"Next on Hot Topics: Tragedy struck
This weekend at a Hannah Montana concert
In New Hampshire when the corpse
Of Walt Disney seized her body and
Zombified the young audience. Some are
Speculating this could be the end of the world
As the Mayans predicted. Your thoughts
On this, Joy?"
"Well, Whoopi, I'm contractually obligated
Not to speak ill of Walt Disney, but
I certainly feel bad for that Milley
Cyrus girl. I guess she didn't have the
Best of both worlds, did she? Am I right,
Or am I right? I tell you one thing,
If this really is the end of the world, I'm
Gonna go eat a bacon double cheeseburger.
Why do I need to fit into a swimsuit? My
Spousal equivalent Steve didn't even notice
My last haircut. So what, who cares? Don't
Judge me, I deserve it. Barbara, your thoughts?
Barbara?"
"BWWWAAAAAAAAINNNNNSSSSSSSS..."
Click.
"Hi everyone, it's Billy Mays here, back
From the afterlife to bring you my
Brand new product, available for
COMPLETELY FREE! Introducing
The oxy-mighto-putty-hook! It's as
Simple as one, two, three! First,
Insert the sticky end of the hook
Into your right eye socket until you
Feel it gently grasp the ridges of your
Prefrontal cortex, and...Presto!"
Click.
"Good evening, fellow Americans. Thanks
For taking time out of your busy schedules
To listen to this important message. Our
Great country has faced many hardships
In the past, and we the people have
Overcome them. We have the ability
To triumph over all the issues that
Divide us. I feel proud to have served
As your President and Commander-in-Chief
For the past 4 years. As you may have
Heard, the United States is faced by
An insurgence of hostile zombies who are
Invading our soil. In my last few weeks
In office, I promise to put together a
Special zombie-readiness task force..."
Click.
"Howdy y'all! President-elect
Sarah Palin speaking! Gosh, these
Cameras are fancy, aren't they? You
May have heard stories in the liberal
Lamestream gotcha media about
Zombies who are invading this great
Nation of ours. Well, I refudiate
These claims! I refudiate them
Ten hundred percent. Obama and
His socialist forces who want to
Take your guns away have made up
Such a story just to scare the
Pants off of you. You many have
Also heard that those zombies are
Planning to take over the nation's
Central power grid. Well, I promise
You from the bottom of the tundra in
My small-town, Alaskan, Christian,
Moose-chili-eating heart that this..."
Fizzzzzz...

5/30- Zombie Cat

Zombie cat will not come when you call him.
Zombie cat's fur has rotten off.
Zombie cat is different than ghost cat,
Because zombie cat cannot float.
Zombie cat would like to visit Egypt someday,
But zombie cat cannot swim.
Zombie cat sinks in water.
Zombie cat will not come when you call him.
Zombie cat was bitten by a zombie human,
And not another zombie cat.
Zombie cat can only turn mice into zombie mice.
Zombie cat is 2 inches taller than most cats.
Zombie cat is 2 feet shorter than zombie dog.
Zombie cat does not eat tuna.
Zombie cat does not eat human brains,
But only the brains of non-zombie cats
And certain species of non-zombie feline.
Zombie cat cannot haz cheezeburger.
Zombie cat can haz brainz,
But cannot haz brainz between burger buns.
Zombie cat will not be walked on a leash.
Zombie cat does not use the litterbox.
Zombie cat will not come when you call him.
Zombie cat does not remember his name.

4/30- Klara Hitler

From the Adam Stone Prompt:

"Describe an intimate sexual encounter with the corpse of Hitler's mother. Don't make it creepy, or gross."

FYI, this poem is all Adam's fault.


She rose from the Friedhof, 5 foot 4,
Frail frame towering over her walking stick.
She hobbled toward me and placed her hand
On my shoulder. “Junger Mann!”, she spoke.
“Young man, I do not mean to frighten you.
I have not become a fully-formed zombie yet, but I
Decided it was time to step out of the cemetery
For a bit. My husband died over 107 years ago,
And my bones are growing cold. You look
Like someone who knows how to pleasure
An Old Catholic woman down on her luck.
Would you be so kind as to drop your
Lederhosen and make me warm again?"

And I didn’t speak German, so I didn’t
Understand a word that dead bitch was saying,
But I could tell from staring in her eyes that she
Was a total MILF, even though her flesh was a
Bit more dollar-store expired than most and she
Was missing one of her tits due to cancer. And
I could tell she was in heat and craving some
Young man meat, and I could tell I was running
Out of options and this was the most action I
Would probably ever get in a cemetery. And,
Hey, I might even get to write a poem about this
Someday. So I unwrapped her burial shroud,

And then I threw it in her.

3/30- Zombie Commits Suicide After Being Haunted by the Ghost of Aaron Goldstein’s Childhood

The humans are in hiding; Phase One is now complete.
The buildings are on fire and the undead roam the streets.
But I've stumbled on an obstacle I couldn't have forseen:
An ectoplasmic child by the name of Aaron Goldstein.

His ghost isn't corporeal and cannot be infected.
All he ever talks about is how he was rejected
And kids who took his lunch money, and kids who shoved him down.
He haunts me with pretension, he haunts me with his frown.

He isn't even pleasant with my teeth inside his brain.
He speaks in rhyming couplets and it's driving me insane.
He burns my ears with stories of his mediocre life
And won't stop filling my zombie ribcage with poorly-metered strife.

You think he'd have grown past this stage by the age of forty.
Childish problems generally die when reaching puberty,
But he feeds his ghost with spotlight. It's gotten much too strong.
If you thought zombies were the undead's fiercest monsters, you were wrong.

He can't be killed. He won't shut up. I don't think I can win.
His constant pointless yammering has forced me to give in.
I cannot bear eternity. It's time for this to end.
Goodbye cruel world. Let me introduce you to my friend:

This is my woodchipper.
There are many like it,
But this one is mine.
It will not save the world from
The impending zombie takeover. I know this.
But it will take this particular zombie's future away
From a hell of clichéd poetry.

2/30- Identity Crisis, an Aurora Haiku

Your screams are like fog
spilling through the night, searching
for the harbor. I

can eat your brain, but
I can't find the human in
you waiting for port,

for rescue. I was
You before consumption of
these mindless shadows.

Your screams are like fog.
I can't find the Human in
these mindless shadows.

1/30- Day One

December 23, 2012

It was at a Hannah Montana concert.
She was giving her final farewell tour;
her contract with Disney had expired.
Little did she know, her contract
wasn't the only thing being terminated.

I was sitting in the front row.
Derek Avila gave me his ticket,
because he had accidentally bought tickets to
see both Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers
on the same night, and he decided
the Jo Bros were more important.
I agreed to take the ticket off his hands
after realizing Miley had finally reached
the age of consent.

She got on stage to sing.
The 12-year-old girls composing the audience
went wild at the sight of the
wealthy auto-tune hack standing before them.
Their matching purity rings shined with
hormonal prepubescent excitement as she
performed songs about her secret identity
and how girls should all follow their dreams.
From the front row, I could tell there was
something...off...about her. And
it wasn't just the lip syncing. Her skin
seemed a little greener than usual.
Maybe it was just the lighting.

Then, she pulled off her wig.
The crowd went bonkers again. "Look!"
the little girl next to me shouted.
"Look Mom, she's Miley AND she's Hannah
too! It's true! She has a secret identity
just like a super hero! She's SOOOO deep!"
Miley dawned a slutty red, white, and
blue t-shirt and started singing
Party in the USA. Two miles away
from the Verizon Center, Mark Palos's hips
started mysteriously gyrating and he couldn't
explain why when asked by his girlfriend.
I looked down at my watch. I hadn't
switched it over to Daylight Savings Time
yet. It displayed as 1:00 AM, exactly.

Then, Miley pulled off her...second wig?

And all hell broke loose. The
whole room started glowing as red as
a bad cliché. She peeled her face
off, scalp to chin, and bull pythons
spilled from her eye sockets onto
the stage. The crowd stared, mouths wide open,
reactions ranging from fear to puzzlement
and confusion. Her skin started
cracking like old makeup. A roar
bellowed from her chest.
The shell of her 18-year-old anorexic
body was no longer large enough to contain
the beast within, and it completely
crumbled. Out stepped Walt Disney,
10-feet-tall, skin greenish grey, as
naked as the day he was spawned.
He approached the microphone to speak.

"Welcome, loyal fans, and thank you
for all your support and money.
Thanks to you, the seal has finally
been broken, and my corpse is
now unfrozen. I must congratulate
Miley for gathering so many souls in one place
for me. My greatest minion will be missed.
But you're all lucky enough to become
the first recruits in my New World Order!
Please stand still and prepare to be
zombified. I promise, this will be much
less painful than the first 3 hours of
this concert was."

The whole crowd stood silent
until one woman in the back spoke up.
"Pat Robertson was right!" she shouted.
"Miley Cyrus IS a satanist! Why
did I ever expose my daughter to
non Christian television?" She
cried, running toward the doors, and
the rest of the crowd followed. Panic ensued.
Realizing the doors would probably be
locked, I acted quickly. Grabbing the
annoying girl sitting next to me as a human
shield, I ran onto the stage, yelling,
"Hey Disney, look, young brain meat!"
He couldn't resist. As he began
to feast on her flesh, I exited the
stage through the trap door Miley
had entered through.

I took one last look at the faces
of the doomed souls trapped in the
arena, the zombie army of 12-year-olds
and mothers to be. Then I ran. And
I ran. And I emerged from the Verizon,
panting and alive.

To be continued…