Monday, December 24, 2012
"Breaking news: Pop sensation Miley Cyrus is dead."
Click.
"Thousands of 12-year-olds found missing
After a Hannah Montana concert
Goes terribly wrong..."
Click.
"A certain early 20th century animator
And entrepreneur has just risen from the
Dead and recruited an army of zombie
Children to take over the world.
Find out who after a new episode
Of House!"
Click.
"Welcome back to QVC! Our next
Item for sale is a zombie repelling
Pendant! As you can see, the necklace
Is lined with solid 24-karat gold, and
There is an authentic piece of black
Tourmaline from Queen Victoria's royal
Quarry hanging from the bottom. This
Fabulous piece can be yours for just
$179.99! (plus shipping & handling). Call
Within the next hour and receive a
Free AK-47!"
Click.
"Next on Hot Topics: Tragedy struck
This weekend at a Hannah Montana concert
In New Hampshire when the corpse
Of Walt Disney seized her body and
Zombified the young audience. Some are
Speculating this could be the end of the world
As the Mayans predicted. Your thoughts
On this, Joy?"
"Well, Whoopi, I'm contractually obligated
Not to speak ill of Walt Disney, but
I certainly feel bad for that Milley
Cyrus girl. I guess she didn't have the
Best of both worlds, did she? Am I right,
Or am I right? I tell you one thing,
If this really is the end of the world, I'm
Gonna go eat a bacon double cheeseburger.
Why do I need to fit into a swimsuit? My
Spousal equivalent Steve didn't even notice
My last haircut. So what, who cares? Don't
Judge me, I deserve it. Barbara, your thoughts?
Barbara?"
"BWWWAAAAAAAAINNNNNSSSSSSSS..."
Click.
"Hi everyone, it's Billy Mays here, back
From the afterlife to bring you my
Brand new product, available for
COMPLETELY FREE! Introducing
The oxy-mighto-putty-hook! It's as
Simple as one, two, three! First,
Insert the sticky end of the hook
Into your right eye socket until you
Feel it gently grasp the ridges of your
Prefrontal cortex, and...Presto!"
Click.
"Good evening, fellow Americans. Thanks
For taking time out of your busy schedules
To listen to this important message. Our
Great country has faced many hardships
In the past, and we the people have
Overcome them. We have the ability
To triumph over all the issues that
Divide us. I feel proud to have served
As your President and Commander-in-Chief
For the past 4 years. As you may have
Heard, the United States is faced by
An insurgence of hostile zombies who are
Invading our soil. In my last few weeks
In office, I promise to put together a
Special zombie-readiness task force..."
Click.
"Howdy y'all! President-elect
Sarah Palin speaking! Gosh, these
Cameras are fancy, aren't they? You
May have heard stories in the liberal
Lamestream gotcha media about
Zombies who are invading this great
Nation of ours. Well, I refudiate
These claims! I refudiate them
Ten hundred percent. Obama and
His socialist forces who want to
Take your guns away have made up
Such a story just to scare the
Pants off of you. You many have
Also heard that those zombies are
Planning to take over the nation's
Central power grid. Well, I promise
You from the bottom of the tundra in
My small-town, Alaskan, Christian,
Moose-chili-eating heart that this..."
Fizzzzzz...
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